I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
