i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
