and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
