new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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