ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
