worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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