Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
