i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
