That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
