he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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