We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
