Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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