I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
