He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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