Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i love accidental penises.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
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You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes