so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch