Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
did i walk over a car last night?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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