What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
