he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You're a waste of cheezeits
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
