Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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