I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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