Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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