He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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