i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
