Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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