Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
