Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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