Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
