i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
