Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
