God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
