I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
