Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Soap is not a condiment
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
