Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
