This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
