and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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