I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
