i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
