all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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