well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
