Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
