That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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