hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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