I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do