already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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