had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
