Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
