I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MIDGETS
????
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
