Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
