I cockslap morals
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
