first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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