The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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