why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize