Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
