Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
