Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I intend to get homeless drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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